why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
