you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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