God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
