oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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