He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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