the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
we're so committed to being not committed
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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