Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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