Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
