you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
