i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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