dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said âEat Freshâ while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
