i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
