Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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