11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
