You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
