I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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