how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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