We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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