A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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