It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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