I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
