I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
