sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
