god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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