and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
