I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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