Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
