nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
