I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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