hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
