the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
