omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
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In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
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In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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