Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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