i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
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Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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