just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
