drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
