Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
