just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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