Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
