my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
