I wanna bring you to show and tell
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You need Xanax blowdarts
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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