I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
