Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Found your dick twin last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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