Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
