mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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