$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I met the friendliest cop last night
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
