My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
