Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
