i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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