3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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