Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
