So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
