my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
