Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
