I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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