I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize