i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
