Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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