Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
