Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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