Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.