Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...