non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
